So How Did We Get Hooked?(pt 3/6)

We Are Not Born Broken…

I deeply believe no one was born to be rejected. I believe everyone is worthy and deserving of love. Unfortunately, little ones don’t always receive their due. Even when love is present and connections are, it may not be delivered the way it’s needed. There may be extenuating circumstances that complicate the best of intentions.

And then comes along life in the outside world. Some of us go seeking what we long for, with limited tools and little confidence. Maybe we meet someone, and for the first time, their attention and connection release this hit of dopamine and oxytocin, and we are hooked. This chemical reaction in our brain and, subsequently, in our body feels great… it may feel like the fulfillment of a long-awaited promise… But it’s not all romance and butterflies. The foundation for longing and a compulsion has been set. We may never want to let this feeling go. We don’t want to go back to longing. And maybe this chemistry means… we can trust this person…

Love/ Romantic Relationship Addiction is hard. It’s painful not to trust yourself, and it’s scary wondering if you’ll ultimately “end up alone”. The inner compulsive fear of abandonment may also be shrouded in shame. As much as we may long for the euphoric sensation of new love or the fairytale promise of happily ever after, a nagging sense of unworthiness is likely driving our behavior and contributing to the early seeds of self-abandonment.

So how did we get here? What happened along the way that caused all of us who’ve experienced (and are experiencing) LA to pursue and persist in relationships that deepen our insecurities and keep our self-esteem in a negative feedback loop? Our longings are likely rooted in a complex soup of messages, events, traumas, and imperfect environments. Each individual has a unique set of circumstances that brought him or her to conflate healthy love and intimacy with a pathological pattern.

No matter what society or our inner critics say, the origins of our painful patterns aren’t just the result of “bad choices”. When we were small, before we had concepts of right and wrong or the language to put those notions into elaborate categories, we were learning to bond, connect, and attach.

Early issues with attachment are often pointed to as a frequent cause of LA/RRA. Attachment Theory is commonly used to explore various types of maladaptive behaviors in romantic relationships.

Four Styles of Attachment*:

(*see information regarding the evolution of Attachment Theory below)

Preoccupied: High Anxiety, Low Avoidance

Also known as anxious preoccupied attachment, it usually stems from a deficit in consistent attention and early feelings of insecurity. Those with this attachment style may be prone to low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and challenges with emotional regulation and assertive communication.

Fearful: High Anxiety, High Avoidance

Also known as fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment, it can develop in children in unpredictable and volatile environments.  A child may receive a lot of love and attention for a season, only to be met with emotional and physical neglect. Individuals with this attachment style usually deeply desire connection, but fear intimacy.  This attachment style can struggle with trust and with emotional and relational cycles that others find confusing.

Dismissing: Low Anxiety, High Avoidance

Also known as dismissive-avoidant attachment, it may develop when a child’s needs are dismissed or unmet.  The child may learn that most needs won’t be adequately responded to. A person with attachment style may have romantic relationships, but they may be shallow in nature and end if there is a demand for openness and intimacy.

Secure: Low Anxiety, Low Avoidance

The highly desired secure attachment style is thought to arise when children have their needs constantly met and validated in healthy ways.  Those with this attachment style typically have a healthy sense of self, can communicate their needs, and can set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Caveat: Attachment Theory can be one tool to understand how relational messages and patterns develop.  However, (and I say this for the utmost respect for the diligent and tireless work of every researcher who helps advance the fields of positive and progressive mental health), all these approaches are theoretical and have their limitations.  I also appreciate the role of evidence-based interventions…  

BUT AS A BLACK WOMAN, I am intimately aware of their limitations and even the weaponization of diagnostic tools and treatment paradigms in the field of mental and behavioral health. … alas… different post, different day. 

I deeply believe there are nuances in all areas of development, and long-term attachment is no different. It’s unwise to ignore the role of societal, cultural, economic, and environmental factors when we assess how people value themselves and form relationships. I assert, particularly for the Black American Community (specifically the descendants of enslaved Africans), there is a romanticizing of what the nuclear family can do to stave off the violence and illness of Whyte supremacy and structural racism.  Black single women receive a unique type of social vitriol when they are not partnered. If the inner cultural and religious norms espouse romantic partnership/marriage as a means of community salvation, social insulation, and economic elevation, a preoccupation with romantic love can become all-consuming. It also stands to reason that symptoms of RRA may be more severe and complicated for some Black Women when gender dynamics are taken into account. 

If you head over to my IG @therapywithmi, I reviewed how single shaming and single-phobia are impacted and perpetuated by gender roles, culture, religion, etc. But yeah… TBC Back to the regularly scheduled blog 😬.

Factors that may impact both Attachment Style and general propensity to RRA individually:

• Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal)

• Substance abuse (caregivers and early personal exposure to substances)

• Loss of a parent and or sibling at an early age

• Lack of encouragement and validation

• Divorce or separation of caregivers

• Emotionally ill-equipped or immature caregivers.

(Samuel & Bickman, 2021)

All of these potential traumas arise early in our lives. Through no fault of our own, we can internalize (false) messages about what love “should” look and feel like. We are inundated with messages before we have the language or perspective to evaluate and process them. For example, we may be so hurt and torn by the demise of our parents’ unions that we make unconscious vows that “we won’t ever be alone” or “we will make sure our children always have a mother and father in the home”.  Our unconscious commitments may result in our clinging to all kinds of psychological and emotional harm in the name of not being “alone”.

Before we are born, a need for human connection is programmed into biology. If we aren’t adequately loved, supported, nourished, and guided, the roots of RRA/ LA can start to develop shortly after we arrive. Unconscious maladaptive patterns aren’t simply about “choosing better”.  It may take years of emotional excavating and healthy skill-building to cultivate a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.

The healing process can be aggravated and inhibited when societal shame complicates the healing process. Like, we really live in a society that blames the offspring for having mommy and or daddy issues. We judge the minor party for their abandonment.  MAKE IT MAKE SENSE smh… [moving on]

No matter how we got here, we don’t have to remain here. If we become aware of our RRA/ LA at 16 or 60, there is hope for growth. Healing is available, and we are so worthy of it. Courage, compassion, and conscious action can pave the way for the rest of our journeys… one step at a time.

Next time on “What is Love… Addiction?”…. How do we heal?

On The History of Attachment Theory …(real quick)

Attachment Theory has it’s origins in the work of John Bowlby (1907-1990), a British psychoanalyst, who’s work proposed that human infants are evolutionarily wired to seek secure and safe attachments to their primary care-givers as a means of survival.  He noted crying, tantrums, clinging, and searching for caretakers as behaviors to protest against separation and abandonment.  He identified this “attachment system” as a biological mechanism to limit distance and keep caregivers near. (Fraley, 2018)

Although “Attachment Style” is a very popular concept, Bowlby’s findings were pretty much ignored or rejected until Mary’ Ainsworth’s studies of parent child connections (1970s) proved Bowlby correct.  Early bonding and attachment are key to healthy development.  Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver would go on to propose correlation between caregiver attachment and romantic partner attachment later in life. (Becker-Phelps, 2016) From their work we move to our current research from have today’s notions of Four Styles of Attachment (four category model) (Becker-Phelps, 2016).

Works Cited

Becker-Phelps, L. (2016). Insecure in love: How anxious attachment can make you feel jealous, needy, and worried and what you can do about it. ReadHowYouWant.

Fraley, R. C. (2018). A brief overview of adult attachment theory and research: R. Chris Fraley. A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research | R. Chris Fraley. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Hazan , C., & Shaver, P. (1986). Apa PsycNet. American Psychological Association. Retrieved March 29, 2023, from https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1987-21950-001

Samuel, H. C. (2021). Love Addiction Workbook. (J. Bickman, Ed.). Rockridge Press.