Healing Love Addiction pt 2 (pt 6/6)
“If we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we would not use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning. When we are loving we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.”
(hooks, 2022 p 14)
Words Matter: Defining Love
hooks’ definition of Love is very similar to that used by Dr. Alexis and Dr. Clifford Biggie in the The Behavioral Addictions (Chapter: Love Addiction- What’s Love Got To Do With It). “Genuine love expresses itself through empathy, caring, and nurturing emotions and behaviors. Its energy is affirming and compassionate. Healthy love can not be an addiction, just as an addiction cannot be healthy love.” Dr.s Briggies go on to note what they deem as the more accurate term of Romantic Relationship Addiction… further defining it as the maladaptive craving for, and pursuit of, romantic relationships to experience euphoric high or powerful sense of security and worth that will tranquilize one’s loneliness and related affective distress. Craving and pursuit continues despite causing harm and negative consequences. Loss of control, tolerance, and withdrawal also develop. Two subtypes —attraction phase and attachment phase— refer to the phase of the relationship that the patient (individual)most craves.”
Through out this series the terms Love Addiction (LA) and Romantic Relationship Addiction (RRA) are used interchangeably. (Love addiction being colloquial terminology and also to keep the focus on that of maladaptive patterns in romantic endeavors.)
bell hooks’ all about love : New Visions, not only gives a working definition of what Love is, it also explains what Love Is Not. hook’s explains many people confuse Love for “Cathecting”.
Cathect v. : to invest with mental or emotional energy.
When a person makes us “feel good", there is considerable attraction, and we’ve invested mental and emotional energy, we may honestly believe we are experiencing Love. Yet, key aspects of reciprocity, commitment, respect etc. are missing.
Struggling to understand and attain true and fulfilling love in romantic partnerings, does not automatically mean one is dealing with Romantic Relationship Addiction. RRA goes beyond, the normal ups and downs of love. Those of us who have struggled with RRA feel utterly consumed by the pursuit and maintenance of romantic pairings. RRA’s also have narrative of being "unworthy of love” and “not good enough”.
Like any narrative, that of the Love Addict’s can be rewritten. Romantic Relationship Addiction can be exchanged for self acceptance, deep understanding, helpful responses to fears, and healthy behaviors that lead to fulfilling reciprocal connections. When I work with clients who experience RRA, I use:
Nuanced Healing’s Primer for Personal Liberation. The framework consists of Validation, Excavation, Education, and Integration.
Validate: Unequivocal Care
It never fails to astonish me how many people go through life never feeling “heard”. Even when surrounded by acquaintances, friends and family, masses of individuals are left longing. Many question their purpose and the validity of their own hurts and traumatic experiences. For one reason or another, we’ve learned we can talk about everything and anything except the matters of our hearts.
When working with clients, I spend considerable time “de-gaslighting”. Clients often, wonder if they have a right to feel the emotions they are often trying to suppress. Consciously or unconsciously, clients (particularly women) begin therapy focused on being polite and “acceptable”. We tell people therapy is a safe space… yet it takes time for folk to “feel” safe.
Validation isn’t a one and done. Particularly for those dealing with RRA. The fear of rejection and abandonment is real. Necessary confrontation and exploration can be perceived as rejection. Reassurance and continually affirming clients is of the utmost importance. I also encourage clients to practice validating themselves. One doesn't need permission to affirm one’s self.
Validation
Validation is the action of affirmation.
Actively acknowledging the legitimate existence of a person’s emotions and experiences is foundational.
Affirming one’s feeling’s is just the beginning.
Excavate: Compassionate Inquiry
Relational patterns and self-esteem are usually developed in the formative years. Understanding the “why’s” and “where’s” of ingrained beliefs and behavior means we will have to dig deep… and this can be uncomfortable. “How” we dig is just as important as what we hope to find.
Unearthing sensitive memories and potentially traumatic experiences must be done with care. When it comes to Internal Excavation, I take the approach of an archeologist opposed to construction worker. Carefully and at times tedious exploration is needed to keep what matters safe and intact. Even when a client is in a hurry to “get to the bottom” of things, I encourage a patient and gentle approach. RRA patterns aren’t formed in a day. It will take more than a several hours to identify and understand the origins and functions of unhealthy habits.
Excavation
Archeology Site > Construction Site.
Patiently exploring the roots of behavior creates space for self compassion and growth.
We are treat what we value with care, and that includes our inner being.
Educate: Critical Contextualization
Critical Thinking is a Spring Board For Mental Health.
Psychosocial Education is vital when working with RRA. Many people dealing with Love Addiction live with the assumption that they are faulty or inherently deficient. Learning common responses to trauma, functions of the nervous system, a range of family dynamics, and cognitive processes, helps Romantic Relationship Addicts untether from isolating and faulty beliefs.
Education can take place both in and out of session. I often use Bibliotherapy to introduce and facilitate new ideas.
Bibliotherapy aims to bridge this gap by using literature to help you improve your life by providing information, support, and guidance in the form of reading books and stories.
Books often help people understand and transcend lived experiences. Bibliotherapy also helps individuals to delve deeper into information covered in session.
*As a Womanist (Black Feminist) Therapist, I often run into the assumption that I’m trying to prostalatize my clients into feminist ideology. I’m not 🙂, and at the same time I do encourage all of my clients to examine why they believe what they believe and where said beliefs originate.
As we go through life, we (unconsciously) pick up notions about what makes us valuable, what’s acceptable, and what success looks like. Maybe these ideas and ideologies are legitimate. I invite my clients to explore if what is implicitly accepted is explicitly authentic and empowering. Whether it be patriarchy, Eurocentrism, capitalism, etc, if a system consciously resonates and aligns with the individual it can be empowering. If it’s not, liberation may be in order 🙂.
Education
Critical Thinking = Mental Health
Psychosocial Education gives language and concepts to articulate internal experiences.
Contextualizing life circumstances helps evaluate unconscious beliefs and assumptions.
Integrate: Consciously Choosing You
Moving from awareness to understanding is merely the beginning of a healing journey. Integration and transformation requires putting knowledge into consistent action over time. Hallmarks of love addiction are seeking “instant connection” and avoidance of uncomfortable emotions/ feelings (i.e. loneliness and abandoment). Learning to hold space for distressing emotions and soothe one’s self with healthy connections and practices is a form of integration.
Imagine one day you go to your front door and someone has dropped off a child … a long lost relative with a note that reads,
“This is Toni. You are their next of kin and they have no one else to care for them. You are now their guardian and you are responsible for them. Toni is probably between 9-12 yrs old, but we don’t know for sure.”
You and Toni stand there, both dismayed with no other further instructions.
Do you magically love Toni because they all of a sudden belong to you and you are “expected to”? What are your next steps? Do you welcome Toni in and try to help them? Do you immediately seek someone else to help you or better yet to take Toni off your hands?
There are no right or wrong answers. The situation is overwhelming.
Yet many of us try to jump into self love and positive self talk, with about the same amount of familiarity and intimacy with ourselves that we have with “Toni”.
We may not really know ourselves let alone like ourselves. Yet, we are suppose to practice “self-love”.
It makes sense that we may try to outsource the responsibility of accepting, respecting, and caring for ourselves to others when we are strangers to ourselves.
Self love and self acceptance require putting down the judgment of who we think we should be and curiously engage all that we are.
We move from reaction and avoidance to intentional intimacy. In doing so we learn to consciously choose people and practices that honor our authentic beings.
Integration
Healing is active and intentional.
Deep love and appreciate requires intimate knowledge and acceptance.
Head+Heart+Hands+Time = Integration.
It’s Not Sexy: It’s Sustainable
I’d like to offer a caveat: many people view this type of healing work in line with other forms of “self-help”. Individuals are often looking for a formula to become better at “getting” what they already had in mind. Ex. “If I’m confident, calm, and healthy, I will be enough for _________.” Healing and transformation aren’t about playing the part to better manage or acquire what you believe will make you enough. It’s about coming home to realization and unshakeable belief that you already are more than enough. ❤️
Works Cited
Ascher, M. S., Levounis, P., Briggie, A., & Briggie, C. (2015). Love Addiction: What’s Love Got to Do With It. In The behavioral addictions (pp. 153–173). essay, American Psychiatric Publishing.
Becker-Phelps, L. (2016). Insecure in love: How anxious attachment can make you feel jealous, needy, and worried and what you can do about it. ReadHowYouWant.
hooks, bell. (2022). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
Sara Lindberg, M. E. (2021, August 30). How bibliotherapy works. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-bibliotherapy-4687157
Tawwab, N. G. (2023). Drama free a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House $c 2023.