Healing Love Addiction pt 1 (pt 5/6)

Let’s recap…  

We’ve learned Romantic Relationship Addiction -RRA, commonly known as Love Addiction - LA is :

… “the maladaptive craving for, and pursuit of romantic relationships to experience a euphoric high or powerful sense of security and worth that will tranquilize one’s loneliness and affective distress. Craving and pursuit continue despite causing harm or negative consequences.  Loss of control, tolerance, and withdrawal also develop. Two subtypes —attraction phase and attachment phase refer to the phase of the relationship that the patient most craves.”

(Levounis et al., 2015 p 154)

*Romantic Relationship Addiction (RRA) and Love Addiction/ Love Addict(s) (LA) are used interchangeably. 

Too Much of A Good Thing?

*RRA/ LA is not a recognized diagnosis in the DSM-V-TR .

  However, many of RRA/ LA’s symptoms meet the criteria for substance use disorder (formerly known as addiction).

Clinical Criteria for Substance Use Disorder	Expressed as RRA/ LA
Taking substances in larger quantities than intended or deemed safe.	Being unable to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in romantic relationships.
Desire to cut down or stop but inability to do so	Continually returning to any unhealthy relationship for fear of being alone. "Revolving door relationships".
Spending large amounts of time to acquire, use, or recover from substance use	Romantic relationship(s) becomes all consuming.
Uncontrollable cravings or urges to use	A driving or almost impulsive desire to be in a romantic relationship or constantly connected to an existing partner. "Calling / texting obsessively"
Inability to function at home, school, or work due to misuse	Missing work or school due to being emotionally compromised over romantic relationship(s).
Reducing or abandoning healthy recreational, work, or social activities due to misuse	Romantic love takes priority over any other type of love and relationships.
Putting self or others in danger to acquire substance	Remaining in relationships that may pose physical and emotional harm to self, children, etc.
Using despite cognitive or psychological problems due to substance	Continually pursuing emotionally unavailable partners. Engaging in behaviors that negatively impact self esteem.
Using substances in larger quantities to achieve desired effect	Relying on romantic partner/ relationships in increasing measure for sense of identity and success.
Withdrawal symptoms are present and can be relieved only by using substance	Disproportionately distressing feelings and responses when relationship ends. Having to check "their social media".

The resistance to categorizing “Love Addiction” as a disorder comes down to a simple question.  “How can something as natural, necessary, wholesome, and aspirational as 'Love' be an addiction”? The answer is simple: it can not.

“Reciprocal Romantic Love” consists of:

-Mutual Respect - Honesty -Integrity -Compassion -Commitment -Authenticity -Kindness -Communication -Boundaries-Shared Values -Encouragement -Affection

(Levounis et al., 2015)

Those struggling with Romantic Relationship Addiction/ Love Addiction desire “Love” but are stuck in a cycle of harmful habits, behaviors, and attachments. These behaviors are rooted in trauma, an impaired sense of self-worth, and a debilitating fear of abandonment and being alone.

Behaviors and Addiction

Because pathological behaviors have such a substantial impact on how those with RRA relate and function, it makes sense to compare how RRA compares to the Behavioral Addiction of Gambling Disorder.

*Gambling Disorder: Persistent and recurrent problematic gambling behavior leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as indicated by the individual exhibiting four (or more) of the noted behaviors in a 12­month period:

Clinical Criteria for Gambling Disorder	Romantic Relationship Addiction
Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement.	Needs romantic partner's time, attention, reassurance etc. with increasing frequency in order to achieve the desired excitement and emotional stability.
Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling.	Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut off or end an unhealthy relationship.
Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling.	Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop interactions with an unhealthy partner.
Is often preoccupied with gambling (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble).	Is often preoccupied with acquiring or maintaining romantic relationships (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving past relationship(s), fantasies about ideal relationship(s), thinking of ways to make self more attractive to existing or potential partners.)
Often gambles when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious, depressed).	Often pursues romantic partners when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious, depressed).
After losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even ("chasing" one's losses).	After end of a relationship, often immediately returns to the "dating" ("chasing" a new "love").
Lies to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling.	Lies to family and friends to conceal the extent of dysfunction in romantic relationship(s).
Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling.	Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship (e.g. family, friends, etc.), job, or educational or career opportunity because of unhealthy romantic relationship(s).
Relies on others to provide money to relieve desperate financial situations caused by gambling.	Relies on others to provide emotional regulation. Also to relieve desperate repercussions caused by toxic and compulsive romantic relationship(s).

Romantic Relationship Addiction Cycle

Romantic Relationship Addiction, has countless presentations. However, many with RRA have cyclical patterns within intimate relationships. Some individuals continually go through the cycle, swiftly moving from Love Interest to Love Interest. While others, have long pauses between relationships. Frequency aside, the four features of RRA consist of:

RRA CYCLE

1. A feeling of instant and intense physical and emotional attraction

2. A period of fantasy and idealization

3. A shift in dynamics and cracks in fantasy

4. A collision with reality and imminent demise of the fantasy. This often results in emotional turmoil for the RRA and reinforces feelings of emptiness and low self-esteem.

The Roots and Results of RRA/LA

It All Started When…

I’ve found the origin story of LAs has a common narrative of “Not Being Enough”. The details of each person’s story may be different, but there is almost always some unattainable ideal that the LA believes they can’t meet. The LA constantly comparisons themself to others. This reinforces the cornerstone beliefs that they are unworthy, unlovable, and not good enough.

This core belief may have begun early in life, or reared its head during adolescence and young adulthood. At some point, the LA experiences some form of trauma, resulting in a wounded sense of self.

Romantic relationships offer a sense of relief, purpose, value, identity, and in some instances status. The mere thought of losing or not having a romantic partner can be utterly destabilizing for the LA.

Fear and emotional distress often result in the LA going to extremes to avoid real or perceived abandonment. The irony is that attempts to avoid abandonment lead the LA to engage in self-abandonment.

From Self Abandonment to Self Acceptance

Somewhere along the way, those with LA leaves them self behind. They trade their preferences, priorities, values, and boundaries for acceptance by another. The LA may not even recognize themselves.

Healing from LA/ RRA begins with reacquainting oneself. Through Validation, Compassionate Inquiry, Critical Contextualization, and Practical Integration, self-abandonment can transform into self-acceptance. Love Addiction can be healed, and one can feel at home in their own heart and life.

….Part 2 ——>

Works Cited

Levounis, P., Ascher, M. S., Briggie, A., & Briggie1, C. (2015). Love Addiction: What’s Love Got to Do With It? In The behavioral addictions (pp. 153–173). essay, American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.

Rothbaum, F., Weisz , J., Pott, M., Miyake, K., & Morelli, G. (2000, October). Attachment and Culture: Security in the United States and Japan. Harvard.edu. https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/rothbaum_et_al_2000_j_ch_fam_studies.pdf

Tawwab, N. G. (2023). Drama free a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House c 2023.

Taylor, J., & Shrive, J. (2023). Indicative trauma impact manual: Itim for professionals: A non-diagnostic, trauma-informed guide to emotion, thought, and behaviour. VictimFocus.